I thought I had found the man of my dreams, got that warm and fuzzy feeling, my very first true love but guess what, we broke up.  One thing I didn’t consider and I should have beenthat most people will have a first breakup.  That’s just the way it is which not a bad thing is.  I’ve learned many things from that first breakup, what mistakes not to make the second time around.  I find that the cause of most couples who breakup while dating can be traced back to either not doing their homework or not putting in the work.  I based my relationship on emotion instead of finding out the most basic things about the other person.  That was relationship suicide.  Well I learned my lesson.  I am now armed and dangerous.  Listed below is what I call my five qualities that any potential suitor must possess before I start any type of romantic relationship.  I will rate each quality on a zero to ten scale and if the total points do not add up to at least forty-five I will not waste time or energy on keeping or starting a relationship with that person.    

The first quality I value is Honesty.  Since good relationships are built on truth and honesty anybody that wants to be a part of my life must be honest.  They must admit when they are wrong and accept responsibility for that wrong.  Do they tell what they consider little white lies?  Well I consider a lie to be a lie and liars will not be a part of my circle.  They must keep their word.  I have to be able to depend on him in all areas. I will ask a very important question, can he be trustedand if I can’t trust him then that will definitely be a zero rating and a deal breaker.  No trust, no relationship.

The number two quality that I will not tolerate is a Controlling Behavior and I know it when I see it.  In my last relationship my boyfriend had a way of controlling me without me even questioning the behavior.  Silly me.  I didn’t realize that this could eventually lead to an abusive situation.  I thought this was how he expressed his love for me so you see I know of what I speak, like they say this ain’t my first rodeo.  I know the signs.  I will be on the look-out for things like checking my cell phone calls, giving me the silent treatment until he gets his way, trying to keep me from my family, always wanting to know where I am twenty-four seven and expecting me to do whatever he says.  Well that’s out.  I’ve learned some valuable lessons.  I am a strong woman capable of making my own decisions and my own choices.  I will not allow anyone to control me in any way.

Number three’s quality that I will avoid is Arrogance.  There is a great difference between arrogance and confidence.  Arrogance is defined as an offensive display of superiority or self-importance or overbearing pride. The arrogant person uses his knowledge or ability to make someone else seem stupid.  Have you ever been in class or holding a conversation with someone and find they are very boastful.  You have just encountered arrogance.  Confidence is defined as a belief in oneself, powers and ability.  The confident person is not boastful.  He uses his knowledge and competency in a modest or humble way.  I’m looking for a man that is confident in his own right and does not think himself superior to others.  My previous boyfriend had not grown enough to understand the difference and as much as I understand and appreciate that he and others like him have a problem, it is their problem and I refuse to make it mine.  Before I enter into any new relationships I will quickly discern between arrogance and confidence.  If I am unable to determine which it is within a suitable timeframe, say maybe two weeks, I will simply move on.

What is he into now?  That’s number four.  I want to know his plans for the future.  Is he in college?  If so does he take it seriously?  How are his grades?  If he is not in college why not?  What does he want his future to look like?  I refuse to begin a relationship with someone who wants to be a free spirit, just taking life as it comes which for most young aspiring musicians mean becoming a rapper or hiking around Europe staying at hostels.  There are not that many positions for rappers out there and I refuse to wake up ten years from now and see the handwriting on the wall, that I’m in love with a man with no future, no ambition, eking out a living on a day by day basis.  No, the man I choose will have a definite plan for his life one that includes a real career at the end of the day.  Now, I can be accommodating.  I understand all about pursuing dreams.  I will not give him a zero on my scale for wanting a non-traditional career.  I will consider a higher score for his wanting to follow his non-traditional dream if he also follows a written career path that includes a more mainstream means of making a living.  Without real goals there can be no real relationship.    

Can you forgive a liar?  What if he does it again?  What determines if you try to work through it or just call it quits?  Many young adults between the ages of eighteen to twenty have had a least one relationship where their significant other has cheated or lied to them.  Include me in that number.  I guess this is understandable since human tendencies are to lie and cheat from time to time but why? Top psychologists state that people lie because they can get away with it, because it works for them, it's a way to control their world, and it's a way to make other people do what you want them to do."  Know what I say to that?  Amen.  That’s exactly what happened in my relationship.  However, despite this trend of deception today, I think the best solution to this problem would be regular church visits since church is where morality is coveted and a strong parent or parental figure guides their offspring’s in telling the truth.  In actuality it seems as if the church solution could or should be a starting point.  That’s where it shoulddrill into their heads that there are no innocent lies.  There is always a cost.  It would be wise for teenagers transitioning into the fore-mentioned age range to attend church at least twice a week. It has been socially proven that people having a regular schedule of attending church are better able to balance relationships.  As for me, I have some rules too about lies from a significant other.  In the future I will make sure that they don’t get away with lying to me no matter the reason.  They will have to find another way of controlling their world or getting me to see things their way without lying to me.